


Yer a Pirate, Harry

by vmkc



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Parody, Pirates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22672015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vmkc/pseuds/vmkc
Summary: What if Hagrid came to tell Harry that he was a pirate.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Yer a Pirate, Harry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LikeArrowsInTheHand](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LikeArrowsInTheHand/gifts).



> This started as a conversation after seeing a Reddit post talking about what if Aragog sounded like Hagrid (since he raised him). My wife said that since she cannot do Hagrid's accent it just ended up sounding like a pirate. Then we started talking about what if Hagrid came and told Harry, "yer a pirate, Harry", instead of a wizard. Then we thought of Spongebob Squarepants and changed the theme song to be about Harry Potter. It is in the end notes if you end up liking the idea.

“Harry – yer a pirate,” Hagrid said.

There was a silence inside the hut. Only the sea and the whistling wind could be heard.

  
“I’m a what?” gasped Harry.

  
“A pirate, o’ course,” said Hagrid, sitting back down on the sofa, which groaned and sank even lower, “an’ a thumpin’ good ‘un, I’d say, once yeh’ve been trained up a bit. With a mum an’ dad like yours, what else would yeh be? An’ I reckon it’s abou’ time yeh red yer letter.”

  
Harry stretched out his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green to Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:

HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF PIRATES and PIRACY

Captain: Albus Dumbledore  
(Order of Blackbeard, First class, Grand Buccaneer, Chief Pirate, Supreme Swashbuckler, International Confed. of Pirates)

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Pirates and Piracy. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.  
Term begins on September 1. We await your parrot no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,  
Minerva McGonagall  
First Mate

Questions exploded inside Harry’s head like fireworks and he couldn’t decide which to ask first. After a few minutes he stammered, “What does it mean, they await my parrot?”

“That reminds me,” said Hagrid. He reached into his large overcoat and pulled a parrot – a real live, rather ruffled-looking parrot – a long quill, and a roll of parchment. He scribbled a note that Harry could read upside down.

Dear Captain Dumbledore,

Given Harry his letter.  
Taking him to get his things tomorrow.  
Weather’s horrible. Hope you’re well.

Hagrid

Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the parrot, which clamped it in its beak, went to the door, and threw the parrot out into the storm.

“Where was I?” Hagrid turned back towards Harry and the Dursleys. “Right, Harry, you ready ter go get yer supplies?”

Vernon tried to stop them, but Hagrid wouldn’t hear of it.

“If he wants ter go, a great Landlubber like you won’t stop him,” growled Hagrid. “Stop Lily an’ James Potter’s son goin’ to Hogwarts! Yer mad. His name’s been down ever since he were born. He’s off ter the finest school of pirates and piracy in the world. Seven years there and he won’t know himself. He’ll be with youngsters of his own sort, fer a change, an’ he’ll be under the greatest captain Hogwarts ever had Albus Dumbled-”

“I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM SAILING TIPS!”

He had gone too far. Hagrid seized his spyglass and whirled it over his head, “NEVER –” he thundered, “—INSULT – ALBUS – DUMBLEDORE – IN – FRONT – OF – ME!”

He brought the spyglass swishing down through the air and a tiny blade popped out the end and sliced down Uncle Vernon’s arm, leaving a fairly shallow cut and causing Vernon to drop the shotgun in his hand.

Uncle Vernon roared. Pulling Aunt Petunia and Dudley into the other room, he cast one last terrified look at Hagrid and slammed the door behind them. Hagrid looked down at his spyglass and stroked his beard.

“Shouldn’ta lost me temper,” he said ruefully, “but I’d be grateful if yeh didn’t mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts. “I’m – er – not supposed ter have a cutlass, strictly speakin’.”

“Why not?” asked Harry.

“Oh well – I was at Hogwarts meself but I – er – got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They took away my cutlass an’ everything. But Dumbledore let me stay on as the Lookout. Great man, Dumbledore.”

Harry wanted to ask more, but Hagrid started heading for the door.

“We best be off, if we are goin’ ter make it ter Hogwarts by September 1st. We have to get your supplies from Diagon Cove.”

“Um – Hagrid?”

“Mm?” said Hagrid as he led them out of the shack.

“I haven’t got any money – and you heard Uncle Vernon…he won’t pay for me to go and learn piracy.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Hagrid said, leading them towards a small boat a couple of yards away. “We’re pirates. Hogwarts doesn’t need to charge money…each student earns their keep by learnin’ piracy, o’ course.”

“But what about the supplies?” Harry asked. He pulled out the second piece of paper that came with acceptance letter.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL of PIRATES and PIRACY

UNIFORM

First-year students will require:

1\. Three sets of slightly torn clothes (black or striped)

2\. One plain 3 cornered hat (black)

3\. One pair of fingerless gloves (woolen or some other nonabsorbent material that doesn’t make sense)

4\. One eye patch (black)

Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags, though they will likely be ignored

COURSE BOOKS

All students should have a copy of each of the following:

The Standard Book of Swords (Grade 1) by Miranda Goshawk

A History of Pirates by Bathilda Bagshot

Piracy Theory by Adalbert Waffling

A Beginners' Guide to Hornswaggling by Emeric Switch

One Thousand Ways to Blunder and Pillage by Phyllida Spore

Three Sheets to the Wind by Arsenius Jigger

Fantastic Whales and When to Shout “Thar She Blows” by Newt Scamander

Fire in the Hole: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble

OTHER EQUIPMENT

1 cutlass

1 Bag for loot (linen, standard size 2)

1 set of beer glasses

1 spyglass

Students may also bring an parrot OR a rat OR a monkey

PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN PEGLEGS

“Where am I to get all of this?”

“At Diagon Cove, o’ course. Do yeh think yer parents left you with nothin’? All their loot is stored safely in their treasure chest.”

As they got into the boat, Harry was starting to get excited. He had always wondered about his parents, and now he was going to be able to learn about their world and see the things they kept for him in their treasure chest. Hagrid began to row them out to sea; Harry didn’t know where exactly they were going, but it had to be better than what he was leaving behind. He looked back at the shack and said goodbye to the world he was leaving behind.

**Author's Note:**

> Who lives on a pirate ship roaming the sea?  
> Har-ry Pot-ter  
> Ignorant and special and scarred is he  
> Har-ry Pot-ter  
> If nautical nonsense be something you wish  
> Har-ry Pot-ter  
> Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish  
> Har-ry Pot-ter  
> Har-ry Pot-ter  
> Har-ry Pot-ter  
> Har-ry Pot-ter  
> The Boy Who Lived


End file.
